alisamaya's blog :)

2011-12-25T06:29:00.000-08:00

I am told that I'm good at many things. But I say this with great certainty: Patience is not one of my finer traits.

I can have very little respect for an adult who lies to people like they are 5 years old. Who tries to ruin relationships through deceitful and hurtful ways. The kinds of methods you use, your own children will never forgive you when they recognise your lies.

I know that I have high expectations of people, and this isn't always a great thing especially when I myself make so many mistakes at times.

But I have to say, I will not apologise for the truth. And the miserable reality is that you are a liar ( and a rather vicious one at that. One might even say your tall tales border on pathological.), desperate and rather pathetic.

Pardon me, if what I say next comes off as narcissistic, that is really besides the point I'm trying to make.

Perhaps it bothers you that I am able to gain trust and develop long-lasting bonds with people because I take time and effort to nurture my relationships. Relationships that are built on mutual trust, companionship and affection; concepts that must fail to pass the barrier of your wooden heart into your hollow soul.

Maybe, I overestimate your emotional range. Perhaps the explanation is a lot more simplistic ( read: more pathetic). Perhaps it bothers you that I'm smarter than you.

Oh well.

Some thoughts.

2011-12-20T23:19:00.000-08:00

Finally, a more streamlined diagnosis.

1. "It's nothing, you're fine."

PLEASE stop telling me that. If there was nothing wrong with me, it wouldn't be called a DISORDER.

2. "Normal people don't feel/act that way this frequently."

Normal people. NORMAL people. Does that mean I have abnormal behavioral tendencies? Seriously?? 7 years of medical school but you don't know how to be more tactful.

3. In twelve years, 4 in 10 people fully recover.

The prognosis doesn't look brilliant. :/

4. I should be doing work.:/

2011-12-08T07:48:00.000-08:00

Perhaps now is the moment I am most alive because it's been far too long since I've been this content. :)

-Cue moving music that gradually ends in a powerful crescendo-

Haha, I've always wished I was more musically-inclined. I mean in a conversation with L and C about singing I was telling them how I'm a competent singer. I hit the notes and have reasonably good pitch, yet the music is not beautiful. It doesn't grip the ends of your hairs or draw you in like a good ballad. I guess to put it more succinctly, it's not a powerful voice. At my very best, I was a mediocre choir singer.

But I digress.

I think the holidays have been brilliant so far. Not perfect, but brilliant nonetheless. :)

I don't have it all, but I have far more than I could have dreamed of. It's a gradual and ( for the most part) a painful process; acceptance.

But I think I'm that much closer to reaching it:)

Medication-induced drowsiness is setting in! My writing isn't good today, I know it even though I'm not completely lucid.

Perhaps I shall edit this post later, just to see how I could improve it!

I shall be counting my blessing tonight!

Xenophobia

2011-11-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

Martin Luther King, the acclaimed Civil Rights activist once said,:

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

We are still dreaming.

Perhaps the context is different, but the sentiment is universal.

Some days have passed, but I am still upset over what happened.

Perhaps what is most disturbing about this whole unfortunate exchange of words, is that the first time I experienced racism in my own country, the only place I have called home for all the years of my life, it was from a foreigner.

I think it was the first time I really felt like a minority here in seventeen years.

It saddens me greatly that the most intelligent among us display such small-mindedness.

But in retrospect, how intelligent can someone be if he forms opinions of another based on something as arbitrary as the latter's physical being.

So now I ask you, can you really blame Singaporeans for being such xenophobes?

I want to share with you.

2011-10-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

As I write this post I am filled with great hesitance. Perhaps it's because this is a part of my story that I have gone to great lengths to conceal from certain people. But maybe I'm just tired of hiding things from people. Maybe pain must be expressed freely rather than hidden or maybe I'm being foolish. Whatever it is, this is what I have to share.

In March this year, I was officially diagnosed with depression. But the truth is I have been experiencing symptoms of depression to varying degrees of severity since I was 14. I was in denial. I refused to seek professional help for, literally, years. As a result, I broke down in tears at least twice every week for 3 years. I would wake up numerous times during the night( the most I can remember is 15 times in one night). The little sleep I did get was unpleasant for it was mostly fraught with nightmares. I felt aimless and listless most of the time. I would feel like crying at least 5 times a day during stressful periods. In summary I lived a life of misery.

I refused to seek medical help at first because I didn't want to be a 'mental patient'. I didn't want to believe that there was something I needed some help with. But then I realised I hadn't had a good night's sleep in 3 years and i was so tired. I remember the morning of the my first visit to the hospital I cried to my closest friends in school. Maybe I have too much pride to want to believe that I needed to change the way I lived my life for the better.

When I had to take an anti-depressant for the first time, I felt sad. Because I realised it was sad for a teenager as young as myself to depend on medication to feel happy. I know that many are in the same situation, but to be entirely honest, it does not really make me feel better about the situation.

A lot has happened this year. Many times I have left lectures mid-way because I felt so terrible and just couldn't hold back tears.

There were days when I did not go to school because I couldn't bring myself to step out of the front door. I felt like I just couldn't face the world during those times. For all the times that most of you say that you feel like you can't face school and bad grades and annoying classmates, I hope you will understand that when you physically cannot bring yourself to get ready for school, it is a paralysing feeling.

There are so many days when I snap at my peers a great deal. Then when I go home I think about the way I behave and I feel so bad for being mean to people who don't deserve it. But I feel worse about how it is so often that I lose control of my own emotions.

I think things have gotten better. But I know that I have a very long way to go. I try not to skip school too much because interacting with people helps keep bad thoughts at bay. I try to remember to take my medication.

But I am only human and sometimes I can't keep up with doing positive things as effectively as I'd like to.

I feel bad when I make the people around me worry.

And I am sorry for being irrational and moodswingy.

I don't forsee radical positive changes occurring anytime soon. I'm just taking each day as it comes. On days it gets bad, I take it one hour at a time. That's as far as I can see.

Every morning I wake up, I wish I'd sought help earlier. But all we can do is believe every thing turns out the way it does for a reason.

Maybe this post is really for all the people out there who suffer in similar ways but don't speak out. For this is really their story too.

I don't want sympathy. I have too much pride. But I hope some people will realise that they should not be too quick to jump to conclusions about others.

We walk by Faith not by sight.:)

2011-09-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

2011-09-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardship, persecutions,in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Closure

2011-08-08T08:10:00.001-07:00

Today was good! An outing with the suckers was exactly what I needed. :D

On an unrelated note, in a way I still struggle to find closure. As focused as I may be, it is only human for me to remember scraps of the past.

So in this post, I would like to be sad about it for a while.

Perhaps, I was foolish and impulsive. Unthinking, or rather thinking carelessly. But being foolish and impulsive and all of those things is also part of being sixteen.

I read this somewhere once before, and I think it consolidates well how I feel.

❝Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved – a piece no further person could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong.❞

It is unfortunate this was the way things had to turn out. But I don't doubt that I will cherish every bit of my growing up years, even the unhappy parts.

In the midst of the constant change in my life, one thing has remained unchanged: Sadness is still so much more beautiful when expressed in words than happiness.

And on that note, perhaps I can finally be done being sad about this.

2011-07-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

But honestly, I'm in the business of proving people wrong.

Go, go, go.

The Tortoise and the Hare

2011-07-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who is faster. They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race. He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise plodding on overtook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ. The hare woke up and realized that he'd lost the race.

The moral is stated at the end of the fable as: Slow and steady wins the race.

This is a story worth remembering.

I always say that I believe things will be okay in the end. Today I believe everything IS okay. And it's nowhere near the end yet. There is much to be thankful for. :)

2011-07-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Gotta be stronger I guess haha. :) To be honest it hurt when some people asked whether I even studied for the exam. People can be so insensitive at times.

Things that make me happy. :)

2011-07-05T03:26:00.000-07:00

1. The coolness of the air at 6a.m. in the morning

2. The way Cherry makes a festival of greeting me on weekend mornings

3. The way my dad tries to cheer me up with his wonderful sense of humour when I'm down.

4. The way my mom says without an inkling of a doubt that she'll always be proud of me no matter what.

5. Long talks about everything and nothing with good friends.

6. The way I have been blessed to meet friends wise beyond their years.

7. Dancing around in my room to Dancing Queen

8. Chocolate cake

9. Watching episodes of 'The Wonder Years' on Youtube

10. When I FINALLY get a Math question right.

11. Watching reruns of old local sitcoms on Channel 5

12. When Cherry sleeps on my lap.

13. Talking to inspirational seniors

14. Proving people wrong through hard work

15. Handwritten notes of appreciation

16. Hanging out with cool classmates

17. The sea breeze

18. Watching a really good movie'

20. When there's a really short queue at the drink stall after PE

21. People who truly believe in you.

22. Hanging out with friends from Primary school; from a time when people were friends with you only because they thought you were fun to be with.

23. The rare teachers that make you believe that there is hope for the Singapore education system

24. Sincere compliments

25. The way I can say with confidence that I believe I'm a better person today than I was this time last year.

25. Good grades

There is much to be thankful. I must have faith. :)

2011-07-04T04:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's the second week of term 3 already!

My life has been moving at such a fast pace that I'm finding it just a little bit hard to keep a hold on everything that has been going on.

It's been exams and CLIC one after the other super quickly. I'm learning a lot about different people and also myself these days. :)

I realise I've sacrificed a lot of my personal time for school-related activities. I'm learning a lot, but I also wonder if I have given too much of myself to school. Some days I'd honestly rather stay home and watch mindless TV than spend another Saturday mornings or long weekend in school t shirts.

I watched someone walk straight out of my life and onto a plane to somewhere far, far away just as quickly as he walked into mine. I'm not quite sure what to make out of it. It just made me realise how fleeting our meetings with people are and how many people come into our lives, leave a small imprint and leave just as quickly.

The lives of the people closest to me are changing just as quickly, but I'm grateful that we still stay close. It just scares me that more than half of my teen years have passed so quickly.

I just hope that in the coming semester I find hope to pull through. :D

I realise that I still don't allow myself to be fully open to thinking about some things that have upset me in the past. I suppose I tend to downplay my unhappiness a lot. Afraid to let myself slip and let a moment of weakness eradicate a hard-earned image.

Perhaps I worry too much about image then. It's just that I remember a time when I didn't have so much yet I was far more content than I am right now. So what has changed?

I just don't want to think back and wish I hadn't taken everything so seriously, wish I hadn't allowed people to upset me that much, wish I hadn't regretted feeling deeply so much , wish I'd let myself have just a bit more fun.

A wonderful teacher once told me not to be afraid of the future. I remember that when I walked out of the auditorium that I would struggle all the way to the end in my attempt to honour her wish for me. I just never realised that I would struggle this much.

Hmm, I hope the coming week will bring with it some happiness. :) And I'm learning that because all my experiences teach me something, I have to give thanks in all circumstances. :)

2011-06-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I really really suck at Math. Even H1 Math.

But I'm trying to be remember to be thankful for everything I have. Even though I find it hard sometimes( not that there's not plenty to be thankful for, just that I find it hard to be thankful).

CLIC tomorrow!:) Hope it's a lot of fun and that I learn something.:)

All is well, all is well. :)

2011-06-26T07:15:00.001-07:00

"There is surely a hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."

2011-06-16T02:13:00.000-07:00

On occasion I dress up and dine at expensive restaurants alone.

Then I indulge in overpriced main courses and decadent desserts.

I've always been a bit of an escapist, but at least I'm not afraid to eat alone.

Sometimes we don't say some things out loud because we don't want to hurt the people who have hurt us the most.

But how is that possible?

So in conclusion, we are only try to protect ourselves.

The question is, from what exactly?

Sometimes I long to go back to that cool summer morning in London.

And for a while it was perfect

2011-06-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

I remember the long flight, the cerulean sky, the heavy air, how we squeezed in the Tube trains, the museums, the schools, the way the grass smelled, the grand buildings on every street, that long bus ride to Oxford,the markets, the way we went to bed at 4a.m. when the sun was rising, the cool weather and good food.

But most importantly I remember the way I felt, the way I was genuinely happy and content. The way I felt that if I died that day I would be content,

the way for 11 days we could pretend that it never had to end,

and for a while, it was truly perfect. :)

And if I could go back, I would.

2011-06-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ya know how someone can tell you the same thing a thousand times and you won't believe it,

but then suddenly one day it just 'clicks'?

People say that things don't happen out of the blue. I say they're all scared to believe that it won't come true.

Because something wonderful happened today, I stopped being afraid.

It is not yet too late

2011-06-05T07:16:00.001-07:00

Ya know, I used to think that I'd be happy when I started doing well in school. I imagined my anxiety and constant discontent would disintegrate.

But now I realise, I can have it all and still be gravely critical of almost every aspect of my life. I see gravely because it makes my disposition, simply put, rather grave.

And it has dawned on me that this behaviour of mine epitomises the very notion I resent with self-confessed viciousness.

But it's always important to separate the action from the actor. And an undesired behaviour can be remedied.

It is not yet too late for myself.

It's true that now words of encouragement, however sincere and well-meaning meagerly wash over me. They don't really move me as much as they used to. Passed a saturation point, perhaps?

Then I realise that it really is up to me to choose to look at the sun and trees and flowers instead of the darkness.

And know that it's going to be okay.

June Vacation!:D

2011-05-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's the June break!!!:D:D:D

Yes! The most trying school term of my life is over. It was trying emotionally, physically and psychologically. It's probably rather sad that I categorise my life by school terms, but there's truthfully no place I spend more time at.

This term has brought with it heartbreak,confusion, disappointment and lots and lots of work. But it has also given me happiness, friendships and hope that things will be alright. In fact, things ARE alright now.:)

There are some things I wish I'd spent more time on, others I wish I'd spent less time on, but ultimately, I did the best I could:D

The June break is much-awaited for me, and I really can't wait to have fewer things on my plate. :D

Half a year has gone and I realise I have much to be grateful for.

Every day I get up to learn about things I love, go home to a family who is so very supportive and hang out with friends who ( amazingly) bear hearing about my rants. There is not much more I could ask for really, except perhaps that I learn to be more content with what I have.

In MGS, a teacher once told the class that every day she prayed that her children have a spirit of discernment in whatever they may take on in that day.

I wish the same for myself really, the ability to discern between too much and too little, right and wrong in a world that is increasingly grey.

And on that note, I'm off to have a happy vacation:)

A Wonderful Weekend :)

2011-05-15T05:55:00.000-07:00

I had a good weekend.:)

Friday evening; dinner with great friends, Saturday morning PTM with the councillors and a relaxing Sunday.

I'm really happy. :)

Aside from all the undone essays, I feel content.:)

Finally came to terms with some very personal decisions, and I feel clear in my mind.:D

Braising myself for another crazy week, but I'm ready to work and have fun. :)

What you don't know

2011-05-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel that perhaps if you all knew, you'd have so much more respect for me.

Because I it is not easy to do everything that I do, and to do it as well as I do it, with this challenge that I face in my life every single day.

And it it is only for that reason, I am very, very, proud of myself. :)

2011-04-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

Ya know firstly, I have to acknowledge that it really is a beautiful morning. :)

The past week has had it's ups and downs. I think maybe the physical stress of the first part of the week really took it's toll on me in its later part.

To be honest, I have few problems and as a friend pointed out maybe I have tendency to exacerbate their extent. But the truth is, perhaps I haven't figured out how to deal with issues very well yet.

When I want to share with my peers what exactly it is that bothers me, I hesitate. Probably because I've always wanted to maintain an image of composure and poise. This is the way we've been taught in MG. But there is another reason, one that I've mentioned before.

It is: If I told you would you believe me?And if you believed me would you understand?

I think in recent weeks I've become better at masking my own unhappiness. But it is not always an act. I have busied myself with activity so I've managed to mostly ignore the ugly realities of my relationships with people and my own fears.

It is true that perhaps statistically, I have no reason to believe that I won't overcome whatever difficulties I may see right now and succeed. But it is frightening and quite frankly demeaning to reduce oneself to a meagre statistic don't you think? To ignore the complexities of human thought and interaction would be foolish.

A friend asked me the other day, why, why, why would I feel that I am inferior or less able in anyway when reality proves quite the contrary. I couldn't find an answer.

As you may have realized by now, I always try to find an explanation for even the most absurd of human thought patterns, but I realise that in this case there really is no logical explanation. And I have to keep reminding myself of this.

I'm realising that the lines between perception and reality are terribly blurred. It's just perhaps in a sheltered society I have failed to see for a large part of my short life how complicated ALMOST every action and it's repercussions really are. But then I look around and see many of my peers, so superficial and insular, and it upsets me a little. Forgive me, because I don't mean to sound overbearing, but there's really too much out there to see that most people don't even want to try to know about.

A more sensitive reader would've realised that this post is more of a an appeal for understanding more than anything else. A cry for empathy rather than sympathy.

For me while I know I am not the smartest out there I believe that with enough hard work I will get to where I will be happy.

After all if not happiness, what is the end pursuit?

2011-04-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep too well last night for the first in a long time. :/

Was contemplating the way people's or in particular one person's actions again and again and it really troubled me greatly.

But then i thought about it once again and I realised that I'm doing well in school now and I don't want to let anything or anyone take that away from me. I think there is much to look forward to and much to to work and be happy for.

Right now I really, really need to find the mental toughness to ignore the unhappiness of the outside and just focus on completing all my tasks well.

Here's to hoping for a happy happy week ahead. :)

2011-04-22T03:08:00.000-07:00

I am sooooooooo content today. :D Long weekends are great. :D

The past few weeks have been really really busy. And I think that the business has kept my thoughts about the one thing that has been bothering me most at bay.

Of course the bingeing on food out of stress and several tearful nights are inevitable. :/

The origins of speech lie in song. Because of the need to fill out the emptiness of the human soul.

I paraphrase because I don't remember enough of this part.

But I think that I have found a way to fill out the emptiness of my own spirit. I find that I often drown myself in work. I guess I do this because I'm good at doing work and I truly enjoy the work I have nowadays. Work becomes a form of temporary respite.

I find I think more clearly nowadays, my thoughts are less extremely influenced by exacerbated emotions.

The coming weeks promise to be similarly challenging and busy. But I think that somehow we'll be okay in the end. :)

2011-04-12T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hmm, It's midweek tomorrow already! The week so far has been full of extreme highs and moderate lows, so I guess it's much better already. :D

I just find that I'm so much more appreciative for the people in my life nowadays and I really cherish happiness from the simple things in life. :)

I learnt I really have to be more careful though, I seem to keep taking others' stationery and forgetting to bring things to school and the biggest part, ( losing my wallet!!!) yesterday.

Got it back though!

I guess all I'm really trying to do is finish all the school work and CCA work and miscellaneous crap ASAP.

Or maybe I don't truly want to finish all the tasks quickly.

I've always buried myself in activity when I have a lot on my mind. Work is a wonderful distraction from all the troubles in life.:)

The past few weeks have taught me a great deal about people as well as myself.

I suspect the coming weeks will be excellent teachers too.

Here's to hoping I produce a kickass PI.

2011-04-09T06:06:00.000-07:00

I came home and crashed after the PPS at school today! :O Hahaha didn't realise I was that tired!:P

Oh wells, I think thongs are finally starting to settle down in my personal life. I just want to organise myself so I won't feel confused!

We are creatures of habit after all, so I guess routine is good for us:D

History essay! Procrastination is baddd but oh wells!:P

I wanna go watch the fireworks at Universal Studios! :D

I wanna go watch some cool musical/play at the Esplanade and dress up for it!

Embracing the business, A11 is really a cool class so they make school days that much more fun:D:D

Hopeful for a better week, next week:)

Trials

2011-04-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

God didn't promise us days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.

It has been an incredibly exhausting 3 weeks in every facet of my life. But I'm still hanging in there!!!!

Sometimes we don't realise our own strength until we have no choice but to be strong.:)

The good news is, I'm learning how to function almost normally( at least most of the time) in very stressful situations which I wouldn't have been able to do just a few months ago. :)

I believe that to achieve anything good and worth having in life, you'll have to go through trials after trials and hardships that will make you realise why you want something so much in the first place.

I am willing to pay this price for future happiness.:) I guess I just need to remind myself why, when I feel down.

It's all gonna be okay in the end, have faith.:)

2011-04-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

There really is to no time at all to waste. I need to work harder, smarter and faster starting tomorrow morning.

The delicate balance between working well and ensuring that you don't burn out is something that I really struggle with.

Just have to keep telling myself not to stress out too much and work faster I guess.:)

I hope it all pays of in the end. :D

2011-04-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

If there's anything I've learnt this week, it's that sometimes we don't realise our own strength until we have no choice but to be very strong.:)

The past week was probably one of the most difficult ones I've experienced so far. But it has now passed and I can let it all gooooo.:D

The unhappiness of the week made me really, really appreciate the people in my life, the friends who spent hours talking to me despite their own crazy schedules and even those who may have sent me one message or in some way or another showed me their concern. You are all very very very much appreciated because at a time when you feel like things could not get any worse, the comfort of the knowledge that a friend is there means so very much.

I really understood the importance of family this week. What family did for me this week really brought tears to my eyes. :) Thank you for family who would go out of their way to do things to cheer you up despite being tired, sick and unhappy themselves.

To you: Emotions are rarely logical, but we live and we learn.:) I don't regret anything because I know that at one point that was exactly what I wanted.:) All I can say is that I always believe that the special people we meet in life always leave an impact on us and we will never ever be the same again. I wish you well, and I really truly hope that one day you will understand why I did the things I did and that I really did mean well.:)

For myself, I realise that we learn from all our experiences and we become stronger and are better people for it.:) I may have lost my footing a little this week, but I just have to keep trotting on! There is much to look forward to and if we look hard enough, much to be happy for.:)

So here's to hoping for a happy happy 7th year:D

2011-04-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

I feel quite vulnerable right now, to be completely truthful.

Oh well, I think i'll take the weekend to sort things out in my mind, have some fun and catch up on work.:)

Crunch time

2011-03-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

I have two choices right now. I can do nothing tonight, sit down and allow myself to feel the multitude of negative emotions I've been feeling in the past few days and reflect on how plain sucky things have been lately or I can sit down and plough through the work that has been set and ignore my emotions and sheer emotional, mental and physical exhaustion.

Unfortunately, my lifestyle doesn't wait for the dejected, heart-broken, hurt and upset.

GP essay here I come. >.<

I must pull through somehow.

2011-03-27T03:32:00.000-07:00

There's just too much going on right now. Must be strong, must be strong.

2011-03-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

A term has passed. Too many things have happened. Big ups and big downs.

If there's anything I've learnt in the past 10 or so weeks, it's that if you want something in Life you're going to have to fight for it.

Fight with who? Yourself of course.

The truth is, there are always going to be many someones smarter, better-looking, more talented, louder, more popular, richer, luckier, more confident than you.

To me the only real way to prove to yourself so that you can possess the confidence and grace to show it to the critics is to show your true, unihibited, genuine passion to achieve something.

Self-doubt has been a major character in the story of my life. I know I am definitely not alone.

In the past, I always felt that there would be unprescribed 'magical' time in the future where I would suddenly collect all the confidence, perseverance and charisma to explore my potential.

There is some truth to what I used to believe. The magical time is right now. The other aspects however are things I'm realising I have to dig deep down in the recesses of mind to find. Somewhere deep behind years of anxiety and frustration and fear of failure.

This is something that I find I struggle with often. But I would say that time makes things better. Maybe this is only true because if we tell our minds something enough times we start to believe it.

My greatest frustration right now is the problem of trying to find that fine balance between pushing myself and burning out.

I find myself uncertain of whether I dare to push forward and I get so angry with myself because I know I am capable of so much more. I've always felt like I've had something to prove, mostly to myself.

Then I fear that I may take on too much, overestimate my abilities in everything I try to do.

I try to pray for signs and guidance and it brings me comfort.

I realise I don't have a conclusion at the end of this post. It's funny I was expecting to have one half-way through as I usually do. Maybe, this is not something I am meant to understand yet.

I guess the best I can do is to set high standards for myself. Standards of conduct along with ability and in time I will figure out the answers.:)

2011-03-06T07:43:00.000-08:00

The past week was an interesting one. It made me question a lot of things.

It made me question what it really means to love and care about someone(s), when I was trying to make a difficult choice, a process that tore me apart a lot more than I expected it to.

It made me question the value of health as I see it slipping away from someone and all he can do is try to make light of the situation.

I really really wonder what it takes to be a leader as I see many express their own definitions. Some I agree with and some I do not.

I really thought about the value of life as I saw someone nearly give up his own without much thought.

Mostly I thought about how all of it could be lost so quickly yet most of us spend our entire lifetimes trying to fully make sense of it.

The past week has made me think a lot. Made me a little lost, but it's okay, I give myself some time to lose my balance for a while. But the weekend has passed and it's back to work.

I am hopeful for a happy end to term with the awesome 11A11 and everyone else!:)

A test

2011-02-28T03:28:00.000-08:00

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

There are times when I feel overwhelmed by the decisions I have to make, in those times I try to count my blessings.

It is hard I know, for I find many are predisposed to fear the worst and play those 'horror' movies out in our minds on repeat. But I do try.

And then for just for a minute, I am reminded that if that single event/issue doesn't go the way I have wished I still have a hundred reasons to wake up in the morning feeling grateful for every new day.:)

'Your greatest competitor is yourself', thanks for the timely reminder dear friend. I think that there are many people who waste time and energy because they fear they aren't good enough. I admit regrettably that I am one of them.

The current biggest project in my mind is to overcome this negativity. Aiming for a paradigm shift in mindset you could say.:)

But talk is cheap, and only time will tell how much I can push. But it's okay because I have great Faith.:)

The heart

2011-02-27T05:49:00.000-08:00

The past week has brought with it as much happiness as it has brought confusion and to some extent distress.

When I am faced with difficult choices which I find very hard to see beyond, I try to think about what I'd like to see when I look back on my life. But then again it's almost impossible to predict how major choices we make in life will work out.

So then how do I choose? Really, really how do I choose? It would not be an exaggeration if I said this is the most perplexed I've been.

I do believe that any choice worth making is something that you will have to work very hard to figure out.

I find solace from my anxiety by burying myself in a load of activity and work. In a way, that's always been my escape.

I've been praying and praying for some kind of sign, an answer on what I should do.

Although my heart is heavy emotion right now, I have faith that all will work out to be the best for us. :)

Here's to a good week head.:)

2011-02-18T18:56:00.000-08:00

I think it really stems from a belief deep, deep, deep down inside of you under the clouds of insecurity, anxiety, self-doubt that. A belief that you are undoubtedly capable and strong and deserving of joy and happiness no matter what anyone or everyone else might believe. I think this is something that cannot be feigned in the long run. And it is this deep belief that will ultimately carry you through.

If there is anything that I have learnt in the past week it's that there is always, always, always, always a reason to hope. Even when there are seemingly insurmountable odds forming a barricade in front of you, if you WANT to look hard enough you will find a way through. :)

Hoping for the best for later:)

2011-02-05T03:14:00.000-08:00

I've learnt a great deal about Attitude in the past two weeks. I don't doubt I'm going to learn a lot more about it in the coming years( not necessarily by choice), but what I mean to say is that I'm beginning to see how greatly it's true that Perception is very much our Reality.

If I had gone into Orientation dreading all the cheers and noise and socialising I would have hated the start to this year. If I had chosen to feel fearful of interacting with people I normally would have been afraid/cautious to interact with, I wouldn't have found there are many many people I have common interests with.

What I write here are things we've been told since a young age, but like I've said before I truly do feel that a lot of times we don't want to be told things, instead we prefer to learn it ourselves.

I feel that regardless of ability and potential, if we have a positive attitude we'll somehow always find a way to make ourselves feel better in the hardest of times.

This Chinese New Year was a nostalgic one for me. I think it's because it's a turning point in many of the lives of the people my age that I usually meet on visits. We've all grown up a fair bit and while not all of us are the happiest we've been, I think we've all somehow found some kind of acceptance of ourselves. In two years, most of us will be off to university. And then I fear that if some of us go overseas, those annual CNY meets will become but a precious memory of growing up.

I'm not sure why I attach so much emotion to CNY visitations, it's not as if i'm particularly close to friends I meet up with then. Maybe it's just that through the awkward stages, disappointments, happiness of the past 10 years of growing up, I find some great comfort in those visits characterised by gossips and wishes for the 'major event' of the coming year and good food. Most importantly, it has all for the most part remained the same.

Lessons start next week, I hope the 2011 academic year brings more to celebrate than the 2010 one!:P And if it doesn't, I hope we have fun anyway. :D

2011-02-03T04:07:00.000-08:00

I think I've said this before but it resonates more clearly now, tha we can only 'connect the dots looking backwards'. I'm starting to see why disappointments in the past have turned out to be great blessings in disguise.

The past week at school has passed too quickly! I think that in 11A11, we'll study really hard but also have a good time. :) I really think we're a good mix of personalities and people that you could have genuinely interesting conversations with! Of course 09v14 will always have a special place in my heart because my two years with 14 have changed me in ways that I believe I never would have experienced otherwise.

I don't J1 will be filled with challenges and disappointments but I feel that this time round I won't feel lost and afraid all the time. I really did sit down and attempt to sort out my life during the OBS week and while I'd be lying if I said I have it ALL under control, I'm not confused anymore!:D

I'm actually looking to lessons quite a bit, not the tutorials and assignments and exams part though :X It's really hard to ignore this part as I find myself worrying about it almost instinctively. But ah wells, if I try hard enough to overcome this challenge I'll be over it in not timeeee. :D

I WANNA READ A GOOD BOOK. Not a cheesy, chick-lit novel about lame romances or a boring book but a really nice good book. Any recommendations?

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I'm still undecided on what my religious beliefs are, but I think this is something pretty universal to believe in. I've written it in the page for February in my planner. :D

Soaring to the highest. :)

2011-01-29T00:48:00.000-08:00

Orientation has been a blast so far!:D Crazy mass dances and mass-dancing to songs in the hall like a disco was awesome. :)

It has taken me two seemingly long years, but I'm finally understanding why VJ is a good place for me to be. There's many challenges ahead but for once I don't feel like I'm going to be gasping for air just beneath the water surface, like I've felt for the most part of the past two years.:) I hope that I will find confidence to deal with the challenges of the coming two years gracefully! I feel that really putting aside time to take care of myself is a good start.

ANYWAY, in an attempt to begin a revolutionary movement( revolutionary to myself) known as "DON'T THINK TOO MUCH" I shall not belabour what I've mentioned earlier.

Anyway, I really feel proud to be a Victorian.:) I truly realise how VJ is a great place to be because we are a bunch of people who really know how to work and play like crazy. :) And I think my sub-OG and OGLs are genuinely nice and cool people! :D

Class posting out on Monday! I'm looking forward to meeting the people I'm going to be spending a large part of the next two years with. :)

There is much to be thankful for. :D

2011-01-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

I'm lazy to write things down on paper, so I shall pen it down here.

Plus there are pretty colours to choose from. :D

You live most of your life one way and then one day you realise you need to change.

So how does one really go about doing this. How do you try to eradicate all the patterns by which you've lived by for the largest part of your life?

I'm learning this is a hugely tedious and meticulous process. It requires that you take tiny- miniature-baby- steps and you keep to them and you complete them on time. Essentially it requires that you don't procrastinate. This is an obstacle for me. I've always said that I believe that procrastination is the single greatest side effect of perfectionism.

But like I said, baby steps is the key. I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that I've managed to drag myself onto the Blogger Dashboard to type this.

I find immense peace in the knowledge that I have great, great friends and family who support me in everything I do.

I've let the past enslave me for too long. But I try to see how these two years can be different, they can be the best years of my life. :) I remember how I have so little to worry about in reality. I try to accept the things that I can't do so well.

I try, but I'm only human. To err is to be human, right?

I want to read good books! If anyone has suggestions please a comment!:D

My goal for tomorrow is to look up an activity my mom and I can do together just for fun and 'cause we're awesome like that. :D

Hmm, i shall pray for several things tonight, but mostly to find peace. :)

Goodnight, world!:)

2011-01-18T05:12:00.000-08:00

These have been the two strangest days of my life.

I'm supposed to be in a tent in Ubin but I'm here at home. I think about all that has happened in the past two days and I only feel that I have let myself be consumed by the world and it's demands and expectations and pressures and fears.

I just wonder what have I become.

I admit that words fail me tonight, but don't mistake my confusion for sadness.

I've been told I need to sort out my life. I couldn't agree more. But in a way I'm scared of what I may discover.

I can tell you this, I've seen the way medication messes up people's bodies, ruins their beliefs in themselves, tarnishes some relationships in their lives and all I can say is that if I could wish something for everyone it would be that everyone remains as healthy as possible both mentally and physically. It's hard to fully grasp such a concept at 17 admittedly.

I must be thankful though for the people in my life. Good friends, great family.

Well, I really did do the best I could until now, so no regrets about that. :)

Wonderings

2011-01-15T07:39:00.000-08:00

HAD AN AWESOME DAY OUT TODAY. :D

Hope everyone else did too, especially you. :)

Hmm this is the in-between stage. Neither an IP kid nor a JC kid. Or maybe in a way we're forever IP kids.

I think this part is where many start to wonder what could've been if they'd chosen another path.

In a way I'm done wondering. Don't even wanna let my mind go there anymore. :)

I believe strongly in the 'you can only connect the dots looking backwards' theory because it has explained the way many major events in my life are linked so intricately.

It can only get better from here. And then worse and then better again.

But maybe what's important is the understanding we now have that if you have some trust, it'll be okay in the end. :)

I pray we all find some happiness this year!:)

To want

2011-01-11T04:44:00.000-08:00

I think I'm learning that I should never want anything too much.

When we want something too badly, we only set ourselves up for disappointment.

With this understanding I can finally let go. :)

2011-01-09T01:56:00.000-08:00

It's the last day of the holidays!

The last day of this dream-like vacation.

Tomorrow we're getting the HMT 'O' level results too. I'm not expecting anything too fantastic. But I'm not too bothered mostly because I've told myself that I want to leave the happenings of last year and it's repercussions behind me. :)

Positivity is my middle name. :D

Unless I fail HMT. Then I will go emo at the beach. But other than that, the near future looks hopeful.

And I don't discount the fact that there will be days even months where I will find my new-found positivity disappearing.

But in a way, there is a certain serenity of reaching the bottom, going the lowest you can go.

Because you realise you're not any less knowledgable or kind or intelligent than you were before you reached a pit. You realise you're still a cherished friend and child to the people that matter.

And then when you've finally accepted all that you suddenly find that you're more comfortable in your own skin than you ever were before because you know what it feels like to fall flat on your face.

Yes, life has the most interesting ways of working itself out.

Here's to a year of happiness, challenges and strength to overcome them. :)

2011-01-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

"But the essential things have not changed. It is still important to be truthful and loyal, to do the best you can, to make the most of your talents, to be happy with the simple things in life, and to believe deep down that you will triumph if you try hard enough to prove your worth."

School is starting soon! Excited but anxious. Ah well:)

There's not much I can say about my life right now. It's that stage where things are uncertain. Pregnant with hope and possibilities but still uncertain.

Here's to a great 2011 academic year.

2011-01-02T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm always intrigued by the way my life intertwines with the people important to me and locks right in a way such that the overlapping of our lives become almost like a quilt. I'm not feeling particularly linguistic tonight, so do forgive the odd expression.

I wonder where my life will take me this year. I really do. I've always said, there's something magical about VJ. Can't quite place my finger on it just yet, but I do know that this school has something undeniably special about it.

I think I write my best posts at night. There is something liberating about night time. Maybe, i'm just tired and not thinking completely clearly. But I feel most unhindered in expressing myself at this time.

I hope I will find peace of mind this year. :)

When I read my blog archives I tear up often because I remember how unsettled my mind was.

But I have to say, I am proud of the person I've become.

I'm proud I let myself fail, let myself try new things, let myself fall in love.

But most importantly I'm glad I didn't run away from all of it.

I think too often we forget how strong we've been in the past. I hope that as a new year filled with new happiness and challenges begins I will remember the strength I had previously.:)

I always try to remember that the life is beautiful despite the troubles and unhappiness it brings. When I forget I look out at the sky and find comfort. :D

Of hopes and appreciation;

2011-01-01T04:46:00.000-08:00

In a way I'm sad that 2010 is over. Somehow I know there's nothing going to be quite as crazy and as filled with happiness and unhappy and inconsequential as the past year has been.

But right now I have parents who go out of their way to give me the life opportunities they never had,

A boyfriend who cares about me so deeply and treats me like I'm perfect. Yes, we have our disagreements, but truthfully I'd be more concerned if we never argued. ;)

I have found true friends at such a young age. I say this with great humility and understanding of how blessed I am because I know of so many adults who still struggle to find true friendship.

I have a fresh start to do the best I can in one of the best schools in the country.

In a way I have too much really.

So if I had to ask for one this year, I'd ask that I be able to see the bountiful blessings in my life and appreciate them more.

I can see clearly now the rain is gone,

It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. :D

My first book

2010-12-21T04:36:00.000-08:00

When I was five I wrote my first book. It was called Gobbo the Dragon.

It was a story of a gallant Dragon who saved the people of a a small town from a huge fire.

I wrote it on a crookedly-put-together booklet made from bright yellow and red construction paper.

I illustrated it with drawings of burning buildings, fire and of course the quirky protagonist Gobbo.

Even then I derived some kind of contentment from writing that is until today unmatched my much else.

I've always been good with words. This doesn't make me particularly precocious, I just happen to see patterns in languages which others skim past.

By the time I was four I was reading Enid Blyton.

I wouldn't say this was a result of an aptitude with languages but rather a major part of the process of developing it.

There are many rules in a language, many variations of a root word, many expressions and complex meanings that can only be learnt well by reading.

Ironically, i've got the mastery of a language down to a Science in my mind.

Sometimes I wish I wrote more 'books' after the tale of 'Gobbo the Dragon'.

I think I will, but not so soon.

The year is drawing to a close. It's been a character-building one. I'm looking forward to next year, I have high hopes for it. Hopes of success and achievement but most of all of happiness.

People going places

2010-12-14T01:11:00.000-08:00

We are people going places. It's a nice day.

I hope the choices I'm planning to make for the next two years are wise ones.

Maybe I worry too much. Who am I kidding, I sure as hell worry too much.

I have new books to read, I'm happy.:)

Recovery

2010-12-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

The day finally comes when you stand up and take that giant step to fight your worst fear. And then you feel good about yourself and you are relieved the worst is over.

But when has it ever been that easy?
You soon find out that one giant step is the first of a pathway of smaller-still painful-steps you will have to take on this journey of recovery.

Maybe the worst hurdle is when people don't understand.

Perhaps we should then sharpen our minds and be teachers.

I still believe life is ultimately beautiful and rewarding but only of those who actively seek it.

It's the best of times; it's the worst of times. :)

Life has a keen sense of humour, we should all take some time to appreciate it. ;)

Running away

2010-12-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

In a way you could say I'm an expert on running away.

2 years is a long time to be running away from something that affects your life every day.
But the longer I run away, the longer I see people tiring.

And I'm starting to see that one day you're gonna grow tired of seeing me more sad than happy, one day SM's not gonna know what else to say to try and console and counsel me. One day Nessie's not gonna be able to be there at 12.30 a.m. for me to text late at night when I'm having some manic moodswing where I feel like I'm going to throw up. They're ALL going to be annoyed when I snap at them after they've spent so much of their time talking to me.

And then what am I going to do?

I don't really like to talk about this. Makes me feel silly somehow.

The point of this really is that it's time to stop running away.

Yeah, I'm a little scared.

3 Constants.

2010-12-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

3 things have remained unchanged throughout this length of time

1) You are a pain in the ass.
2) I'm way cooler than you'll ever be.
3) You can't stand me because you are a 1) and because of how 2) will always be true.

Suck it. :D

Of merry and not so merry tunes.

2010-11-30T07:39:00.000-08:00

I always associate songs with particular people and memories. It's true I guess that hearing a song can almost instantly transport you back in time to memories of long long ago. I guess we always remember the way we felt about something or someone at a certain time even if we're a little shady on the details of what actually happened. So here's a little of what I remember.

When I think of Eternity my Robbie Williams I remember the first time I experienced what it was like to be heart-broken. To be disappointed in that sense. Haha it seems silly now, but I want to remember at the time it was a big deal.

When I hear Just want you to know and Daddy's little girl by Jesse Mccartney I remember roaming around Jurong with Mith after the last PSLE paper. I remember the first time I understood what liberation after hard work felt like. I remember the way we rushed to get the Jesse Mccartney CD and there was only one left. I remember you bought it.

When I hear Butterfly, I remember sitting in my dad's parked car on a rainy afternoon when I was about 8 and him telling me about the song and the singers. My dad's always had a passion for music and he always wanted me to know through music what this country was like in the old days.

When I hear Mariah Carey's Hero I think of my mother. I think of how this song reminded me of her when she helped me through every difficult time I've had.

When I think of Maroon Five's Must get out, I remember going for MGS ROCs 2 with 2E. I remember how Karyn and I listened to this song on repeat for many bus rides. I think that trip was the happiest time in my MG life.

When I think of Let it be by the Beatles I think of my grandmother. I think of countless holidays spent staying at her home, late-night conversations about the 'local' gossip and her telling me about growing up in Johor in the 1940s. I think of how I'm not that close to her anymore.

When I think of Low by FloRida I remember Gymnastics PE in MG and how we had to come up with a routine for PE class. I remember how I dreaded PE lessons.

When I think of All summer long by KidRock I remember the school vacation after Sec 2. I remember how I was so hopeful and brimming with confidence and innocent anticipation.

When I think of Where is the love by the Black eyed Peas I remember hanging out with 09v14 at the breakwaters of ECP. It was early last year, around OG barbecue I think and I remember a few of us were singing along to this song.

Vanilla Twilight always makes me smile because it reminds of our first date. When it rained the moment we reached a restaurant haha. They played this song twice in one hour on the radio. I remember how happy I was.

When I think of September by Daughtry I remember London. I remember listening to this on the bus ride to Oxford. I remember looking out at the perfect white clouds in the perfect blue sky and gazing at the perfect green meadows and I remember how truly content I was at that point in time. Felt like I was living every girl's dream. It was a nice feeling.

Songs have been big a part of my short life. Ever since the times when my dad would blast Phil Collins on the stereo and sing along while strumming his guitar on Saturday nights.

I think songs are important to me because they help me retain the memories. All the happiness I've had. It's a good way of encapsulating time. Songs are wonderful things, they really are. Well, it's only been 16 years, I think there're gonna be many more songs for many more memories. But so far, I've had a good life. :)

Struggles

2010-11-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

If there's anything I've learnt in the past two years it's that we all struggle in some ways. I think that like many of of the things that are truly important in life, this isn't something that can be taught it's something that must be realised by living life.

I've been a lucky girl; I've met a lot of interesting people in my short life. All kinds of personalities. I don't see eye-to-eye with all of them yet others are my best friends. One thing that is true for everyone I've met though is that we are all struggling with something. Every last one.

I've met a beautiful girl who worries that people will never see beyond her pretty face,

A hardworking student who fears that her textbook-knowledge will fail her in this harsh world,

Top students who go to bed feeling like they're nearing the end of their teen years and haven't lived life as fully as they should have,

A street-smart boy who wishes he'd studied just a little bit harder,

A talented pianist who fears the world won't recongnise her talent,

A filial daughter who worries she will never be able to completely please her parents,

A dedicated teacher who wishes she could have done more to help a struggling student,

A loving mother who wonders is she's been able to provide the best for her child and

A cautious father who worries one day who fears the day he won't be able to protect his children any longer.

And I could go on for. And from what I've seen of all these people, the happiest ones are the ones who have faced the most heartbreak, had the greatsest losses and seen the most obstacles in their lifetime. Yes, this is a statement out of every Inspirational story but their is an undeniable truth to it.

On the other hand I've met people who go through their lives living in a plastic bubble. They just go through the motions, have a very superficial understanding about what life beyond their peripheral scope is about and just live that way. Sure, they may have some goals and hopes but that's more because that's what they've been told that's what's good for them than any other compelling factor.

Forgive me if I sound judgemental, It's just I feel that's a waste of a way to live. I only say it because not so long ago that's the way I used to live.

But I've come to see that the only way to really live is to fail, to struggle, to do something crazy( but not stupid), to laugh until you cry, to cry until you don't feel sad anymore.

And if we didn't have our struggles we'd never learn to live life, and that would truly be a life wasted. :)

Faith

2010-11-25T06:57:00.000-08:00

Today Aavishka said, " Sometimes we just have to try our best and then trust God."

I think maybe we all lean on faith of some sort. I think when we're younger we have faith in the world and we want to believe that the things that go on in this world are good.

But then somewhere along the way we see ugly things and we are crushed.

And then when we're a little older we want to believe in people. Not everyone, just a few people.
But then we find that humans disappoint and we are hurt.

So we search desperately for some form of stability in our mind to cling on to. Maybe we start to believe in a God or god. And then sometimes we feel like our prayers but at other times we become frustrated that our woes are not alleviated.

Then we are convinced that we can only rely on ourseleves and we feel magnanimous and that we are going to overcome all odds and achieve something great. But then we fail.

So what should we have faith in, or what CAN we have faith in?

To be truthful I really don't know. Maybe nobody does. Maybe, it's just right combination of having the exact right amount of faith in all of those things. My life so far has been a big test of faith in all of those things, but I'm realising that the faith in a person's heart shines in their eyes and can change them entirely.

Would you dare to have faith in something or someone despite all the hurtful possibilities?
I think there are too many people who don't.

California Gurls

2010-11-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to figure out how to tie a pretty bow around Shuba's birthday present now!:P

Went to Taka yesterday and I stole some plasticine from Art Friend. :P:P Why plasticine? I like to roll it around in my hands, it's soft. :D After my quite successful theivery, went for dinner at Wisma and then to see the X'mas lights! I think not all the lights up yet though, but either way they're quite pretty this year. :)

When I went out yesterday I felt like I'd been living in a cave in the middle of a desert, if that's even possible, for a long, long time. I mean it's one thing to be well-read and aware of what's going on in the world but I think there's another kind of ignorance that stems from not getting out enough. Not going out and experiencing simple things like going out for leisure and noticing something other than a new maths equation. I really need to get out moreeee!

My mom is on a quilting bonanza. She quilted me a bag and then she quilted a mattress for Cher to sleep on. It's really cute.:)

At the moment Cherry is the undisputed queen of this household. She sends everybody running to tend to her every whim and fancy with an adoring cock of her head that one would be heartless to ignore.

2.54 p.m. I guess I could go play the guitar for a while. :)

Talking to G while typing this, that's why it took so long I guess. :P
Cheer up silly boy! It's not that bad and you'll be home soon anyway!:D

Okayss, I guess that about sums up what I've been up to! Noww I shall go dwindle my youth away watching mindless teevee :D

When the Saints go marching in.

2010-11-23T05:49:00.000-08:00

That's the song I played on the guitar at Qi Yin's house today. It's always good to catch up with old friends. Qi Yin, Dip and I have been friends for 10 years now. :)

I saved some of the posts I published previously on this blog to drafts. They were so depressing; I was so depressed. Wow, I think that this blog in a way despite it's cheery colours is laced with suppressed unhappiness.

But unahppy times are over!:) Maybe we learn to find happy in simple things. However, I don't deny that I have been abundantly fortunate of late. :) I really, really want to do something worthwhile this holiday! So I'm busy making plans now.

I was thinking about how determined some people are. And I think I have learnt the most about determination from my mother.

My mom wanted to take me to Disneyland. We didn't have much money, so she saved and saved for two years. We took a budget airlines to Hong Kong, and stayed at a friend's place but we went to see Disneyland! We ate cheap porridge for breakfast like real Hong Kong-ers and took the bus and train and walked and walked, but we went to see a whole new country no matter what :D

I think my writing is getting rusty from not having written anything for sooo long! I wanna play the guitar so I'm gonna end this post soon.

I was thinking of this riddle in my mind the other day. It goes like this:

The happiest part of my day is when her gaze shifts from cautiousness to recognition and I'm suddenly showered in overwhelming affection and appreciation unlike anything else I comprehend.

Can you guess what I'm talking about?:)

There are days

2010-08-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

when we feel sad.

and those that we feel like crying.

On particularly bad days, you may feel really depressed.

But there are those kinds of days when you feel pain in your chest near your throat: a strange kind of mixture of wanting to throw up and just wanting to eat and eat until you can't eat anymore. When your eyes are too sore from all the crying and your head hurts from the migraines.

On those days, you may feel a little bit like how I feel right now.

I've been having one of those days every other day now.

:(

My dad: " Are you okay anot? Can you cope with your schoolwork? You're always saying you're tired and you seem very stressed out."

:(

Yah yah, everyone is stressed out. I'm so happy for all of you.

2010-08-15T02:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on a bed with files strewn around me. Or you could say I'm sitting in files with a bed dymped aunderneath it.

There's papers on the floor.

EOYs in 44 days!

I feel tired :/

I'm just waiting for ip2 to end because academically I just want to pull through and get it over and done with!

Hope to pass everything:X

Bleh pe tmr

Decisions

2010-08-10T06:02:00.001-07:00

It's strange that when I look back on the earlier parts of this year, I see that I was able to find happiness despite the horrible amount of stress.

So maybe then, its true that happiness in the simplest yet most important way is a choice.

Or maybe, its is truer that an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

Either way, I think we have to decide right now if we are going to let our fears and anxieties consume us

or if we are going to accept that there are always going to be a million things that we won't be able to do well, or as well as others, but if choose to focus on the handful of things we CAN do, one day we may be great at them.

I think we have all struggled with this decision.
But don't kill yourself over it, it's not completely your fault.

Every day, we are bombarded with messages and images of how we have to be better than anyone and everyone else.

In some ways, the propoganda we face in school of always having to be the best, has caused far worse damage than any form of media, I think. You can quote me. :)

Anyway, I am going to choose to be happy, or at least try to. Luckily for me, just outside the confines of the classroom walls, there is always a beautiful blue sky that tells me that there is something far better out in this world, and finding it is worth the struggle. :)

Discovery

2010-08-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Was talking to Eunice and some others and I was just thinking that right now is really quite a wonderful time in our lives.

I mean, its like we're all growing up together and deciding what we wanna study and do with the rest of our lives, while at the same time learning how to improve relating with people, how we expand our minds, and pushing ourselves.

It's just a wonderful time of discovery, self discovery and otherwise I've realised. :)

And I think maybe, It's okay if we lose a little bit here an there. Or a lot.

"You will recognize your own path when you come upon it, because you will suddenly have all the energy and imagination you will ever need."

I'm sorry( again)

2010-08-07T02:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I say things that hurt you.
But I just want you to know that each time that happens, I hurt ten times more with guilt. :'(

Friday, Week 6

2010-08-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

NDP celebrations were boringggggg .

Maths test was faiiiiiiiil omggg.

Salt was fun though:D

Sometimes

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race"

This quote may sounds kinda overly idealistic and cliche. But there is an undeniable truth in it.

Maybe it's time I started believing. People have been a blessing in my life. Thank you, thank you. :)

So come tomorrow, I'm gonna get up, collect myself, do my overdue chem assignment and plan my weekend.

And it's likely I will fail, but if I keep trying hard enough maybe, just maybe, one day I will succeed. :)

2010-08-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls are continually
I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

2010-08-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I am sad I like to hug my dog. Her cold, wet nose against my skin is comforting.

Sometimes it's nice to pretend.

But today I have to be strong or at least try to be so that I won't hurt the people around you.

Life doesn't wait for people who are sad.

Running

2010-08-02T04:47:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of going to school.
This morning I wanted to play truant: Lie to my parents, teachers and friends and skip school.
I even had this whole elaborate plan set up.
I wanted to do this because I wanted to run away from reality.
Somehow I had become so fearful that I'd convinced myself that I would not be able face the work and tests.
It really doesn't matter to me who reads this right now.

Sometimes I get stressed over small things because I remember the pain of the past.
More specifically the pain of failing again and again and again.
When you fail so many times in a row, you become scared.
There are two things you could do at this point.

You could be scared and give up or you could be scared and keep running, keep trying again and again because you've come to realise that the only way to get rid of the deep sense of failure that you are so ashamed about is to succeed.

And as I type these words, there is a persistent voice at the back of my head telling me that I won't be able to finish what I set out to do today. That voice causes my heart to start beating faster and my back to tighten every single time.

I didn't run away today because there were people who pulled me aside and who believed that I was stronger than that. To be completely truthful, I don't believe these people right now. And it is only because I don't want to hurt them that I listen to their advice.

But I thank you for your kindness and maybe one day I will remember the people who taught me to run, but in the right direction.

The reason

2010-07-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learningI never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know,I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear, I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

I realise something now,

2010-07-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

You can do yoga, almost any kind of strenuous physical activity, play all kinds of computer games, read every overrated motivational book in the world.

But there are times when only a pat on the shoulder and a kind word can push you foward.

I'm just very tired today. I can't remember why I'm trying so hard to do well in school.
I can't remember why I'm studying, all i know is that its very important that I do it.

I'm afraid tonight that knowledge just ain't gonna be enough.

I'm sorry Dad.

Pretence

2010-07-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

School is a wonderful place filled with pretence.

We all play our own little games of pretence. Mine is to behave like what I don't like to think about doesn't exist.

It's always the same struggle year in and out. Managing time, emotions and getting tired too quickly.

But maybe my dear friend, what you say is true. Maybe if we pretend that our problems don't exist, they might just go away.

Sometimes we don't say things to the people we love because we don't want them to hurt them or for them to worry about us.

It's all in the mind, it's all in the mind.

I shall go for a run tomorrow.

Sometimes my happiness takes precedence over work. Right now is one of those times.

Sometimes.

2010-07-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it doesn't matter that people don't understand why our struggles seem like such a big deal to us.

Sometimes, its okay as long as we can answer to ourselves that we have done something to help ourselves.

It's a long road.
We're all doing the best we can.:)

I need to push just a little bit harder.

Oh all the things we do

2010-07-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

Busybusy!

There's a lot to get done this term. Both in school and otherwise.

A lot planning to do. A lot of studying. Hopefully a lot of fun too! :P

I think the Internet kills your brain cells after a while. Turns your brain to mush with the repetitive masses of useless information. It's called an Information Glut I think?

I feel silly thinking of the way I worry about things that don't matter too much.
I feel embarassed thinking about the way my irrational fears cause me to behave.
But I feel downright ashamed thinking of how my behaviour affects the people around me.

But we are not perfect people.
Each day we sin and struggle and succeed in small ways.
And I guess the only thing we can do is to give an honest effort in all that we do.

Maybe, its the courage to carry on each day, doing things that we don't like again and again, all the while knowing very well that we will never be excellent at it that matters.

Because at the end of the day, pieces of papers with test scores and achievements will all turn to ahses.

And no matter how much people try to convince you otherwise, the only thing we will have at the end of the day are the memories of the struggle and the happiness.

I feel like I've written this post a hundred times before.
Maybe it's because the sentiment never becomes any less true.

I just feel slightly disturbed, when I see individuals educated and held in high regard all starting to believe the lies that they have constructed for themselves.

They start to believe in the hypocrisy they have written for other people.

Maybe its true, we only believe what we want to believe.

Each day I see them buy into the fantasies they have created in their minds and projected into reality, the more I am reminded that I don't want to go down the same road.

Today is the Founder's Day Dinner at Shangri-La. There's a part of me that can't help but ponder how differently tonight could have gone.

Sometimes we don't realise how greatly the decisions we make change our lives. Maybe, its for the best that we dont know what the future holds.

The most horrible feeling in the world.

2010-07-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

Regressing. That terrible feeling when you know that you are going back to that stage again. Going to relive a living nightmare.

But that isn't the most horrible feeling in the world.

Seeing yourself hurt the people you love again and again and watching them putting up with the hurt you hurl at them.

But the most horrible feeling in the world is when you can't even get over yourself enough to say sorry or stop hurting them.

Please, please, please I need help.

Irritation

2010-07-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

Biooooo test tmr :(:(

The Night Before A test brings irritation.
I shall sleep to avoid irritation:D

Thanks for today :)

To tell you the truth,

2010-07-18T05:05:00.000-07:00

PPT meeting made me a little depressed. :/

I just feel so heavy because I keep wondering if things would've been different if i'd made different decisions in my first year here and even the first term this year.

Because all I feel right now is a deep, resounding sense of disappointment.
And underneath that disappointment is a deeper sense of failure.
But most of all a great, great sense of frustration.

But these are the things I don't like to say out loud.

"There is still some time", they all say. But I can't help but wonder where I'm gonna find the time between a whole bunch of assigments/projects/ tests. :/

Didn't sleep to well last night too.

I really hope next week will be a happy one:)

I found Inception good, but slightly disturbing. I mean, if someone actually came up with the technology to access another's dreams, I'd never sleep peacefully again.

I think nowadays I start to sensor my words more. I don't tell my friends about the times I'm upset. I think it's because we're all struggling with out own problems and we don't need to hear others' problems.

So instead I choose to pen it all down here. In the hope that after I press 'Publish Post' I'll feel a little lighter.

Oh, if I had a penny for everytime we didn't dare to say something out loud.

2010-07-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'll start off with the highlight of my day.

HIGHLIGHT OF MAYA'S DAY: Ice cream shavings with Vivian Er( the sucker) and Laisum! :D

Blehhhhhh. I HATE MATHS. OMG. I HATE IT. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

I see how we all struggle in different ways.

And ultimately we are all left to struggle with our struggles by ourselves. Because everyone has their own problems to grapple with.

So all that's left to do is to eat a chocolate brownie and right sad poetry about our frustrations in hope of temporary relief.

25 way to relieve anxiety

2010-07-11T05:10:00.000-07:00

I found this on a website with the headings '25 ways to relieve anxiety' :)

"I spend 5 minutes every morning meditating on gratitude while I take a shower. It’s amazing how it always starts me off in such a great mood for the day."

Imagine if we all started our days off this way, even just once a week. The world would be a happier place I think. :)

" It's been two years already! When are you ever going to get over your anxiety problems. What are you going to do when it comes to A levels?"

The truthful answer would be that I'm really not sure. But I think I've made some form of progress :)

And trust me, it hurts me more than you would ever understand. But hey, I'm still okay:D

PAUL THE OCTOPUS HAHAHHAHA:D

School's starting late tomorrow wheeee :D

Ho Hum

2010-07-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

BLEH. So many things unsettled, like PTM slots, JOB ATTACHMENT!!!!!

I think we need about 10 hours more in each day :D

'Cause no matter how much I plan my time, unless I'm working almost all the time, I can't finish everything according to my plan!

I mean, we're tired out from school too, we can't start working the moment we get home right? And I can't work well the next day if I sleep past 11 30 to 12.

Ah well. That's life I guess.

Anyway, school starts later tmr :D:D

Lotsa stuff to do today though D:

first week back at school

2010-07-09T04:58:00.000-07:00

Tiredddddddd.

Haven't felt this sleepy in a long, long time.

Anyways, first week of school is over and I realise that I only have 19 weeks of VIP left!

Anyways, school's gonna get busybusybusy soon! I haven't posted about London yet, maybe over the weekend!

Its time to face the LA monster now! :O

Strangeness

2010-07-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

I feel tired tonight. Not physically but emotionally. It's a strange almost poignant kind of tiredness.

London was heaven on Earth. It was just all smiles and highness and happiness. It was beautiful and perfect because it wasn't reality.

Now that I'm back in Singapore, Singapore. Bleh. :X

And I start to wonder what the hell I've been doing with my time.

I don't spend enough time with my family.
I don't spend enough time with my friends.
I don't spend enough time with you.
I don't spend enough time studying.
I don't spend enough time praying.

So what exactly have I been doing, I really wonder.

But most importantly, I'm starting to think about the toll that this has taken on my relationships with the people I love and care most about.

I think I've been quite selfish with almost all of these relationships.
And I really feel quite sad when I think about it now.

I guess I started to forget what's really important when I suddenly got everything I ever wanted.

Ah well. Anw, I studied some LA today! Feeling accomplished. :D I hope for once I will really be ready for the test next week :)

Haha ya know Cherry is so adorable. :) I gave her the toy the Emirates stewardess gave me 'cause she thought I was a kid and she was so happy! and she's been tossing it around for the past few days hahaha:)

Hahaha ya know maybe if we focus on the small happy moments in life, we can kid ourselves that we aren't all mentally strained. Heh.

But it's a new day tomorrow! And it's the weekend! :D
I hope for happy days:)

A record of a conversation

2010-07-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

" When your friend started seeing a counsellor you starting seeing one too. You were never depressed before that. You just want to manifest your problems. Even a depressed person can pull herself up and study and do well for tests. You're the only went still left behind. So what's the problem now? Is everything okay now?"

" Yes it's fine."

"Oh, so just so easily everything is fine now?"

" Yup it is."

I'm so sorry to say this about my own mother, but I truly have lost some respect for you now. And I think it will take years to gain back that respect.

Lessons Learnt

2010-06-21T03:15:00.000-07:00

June is almost coming to an end! This vacation is ending on a high with London in sight. :)

I just wanted to record everything that I've learnt from people this June through all the things I've seen and done and the people I've met. :)

I've learnt from the RG girls at IMUN, that you don't need to be more talented than everybody else to be better than them, you just have to want it more than anyone else and work more than anyone else.

I also learnt from the story of a friend of a friend that it is when everything seems to be going smoothly that you may lose everything you have, quicker than a wink, so it is important to cherish what we have.

I also realised from my relationships with people that nothing in this world is permanent and the only thing we can do is enjoy happiness while we can. It is because they are so fleeting that our memories are so precious.

I've learnt that sometimes people will not be kind to you. But it is also not your place to sit down and drive youself nuts analysing why they are this way.

I now understand from an experience with a very strange person that some days you need to tell people off, because if you let them off for too long, they take your silence to mean weakness.

From homework, I think I'm beginning to grasp that we can hold close to our hearts the reasons all our idealistic wishes and desires. But the truth us, we can't do it all. But we will be able to do all that we're meant to do. The key is in drawing the boundary between effort and exhaustion.

I now know that :

Love is the mother who invests everything she's worked for so that her child can see the places she never had the chance to.

And love is the father who against all exhaustion puts his child before his own happiness.

Love are the family who take time off from work just to say bye to you at the airport. :)

Love is the best friends who will be aunties with you and share the happy times with you, and will listen to you rant for hours on MSN and on the phone about the problems. :)

Love are the friends who take the time to arrange an outing with you during a vacation so you can all enjoy time together despite their overloaded schedules. :)

Love is the boyfriend who goes over and beyond himself to do small things just to see you happy. :)

Care is the friend who tirelessly sends you verses every day and who goes beyond her means to help you find means to pray despite her hectic holiday rehearsal schedule. :)

Courage is the friend who teaches you outstanding resilience from her incredible resilience to pull through the troubles she has to face each day this vacation.

Resilience is the junior who has overcome great difficulties to be doing so well today.

Courage is daring to try to forget the unpleasantness of the last few holidays with the belief that good things are in store in the future.

But I think the most important lesson that I'm still struggling to grasp is that it is brave to accept that you while you could have done better yesterday, you did the best you could. It is brave to try and let go of your anxieties and fears even if you are are not successful. If that is not good enough nothing will be. And that's really okay.

Too little Time

2010-06-19T02:45:00.000-07:00

SIP report/ Tamil compo/ OI booklet stuff ( I don't know what to do for this)/ Bio. hw/ Resume for work attachment.

3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh.my.god. :(

Our Greatest Fear

2010-06-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson"

I agree with Alvin, the first line is the one I think makes the most sense. Because it is so true.

Blehhhh

2010-06-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

Bah humbug. its 11.24 pm. I have SIP stuff tmr. And then there's tamil compo and bio. And OI booklet stuff on monday. and london on wednesday.

So studying how?

Ah haveta somehow make it all work.

Oh crap and work attachment resume.

zzzzzzzzzz.

maya needs to stop sitting around doing nothing on facebook.
maya needs to sleep.
but most importantly maya should stop referring to herself in the 3rd person.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.-- Joseph Campbell

What an enigma.

blah blah blah

2010-06-17T02:17:00.000-07:00

Today's SIP prep was cool! :D

I realise I have really, really bad mood swings. And I guess, I take it out on the people I'm closest to. Sorry guys! :X

Almost done with holiday homework and its gonna be time for LONDONNN soon :D

I still haven't told anyone yet, wonder if I should. :/

Anyway, I'm gonna start writing a short story soon. Maybe, I'll post some excerpts up here :)

I've been listening to older songs again lately like Ebony & Ivory, Mandolin Rain, Let it be and some others.

Old songs are really the best. I think I'll try and learn some of the chords for them to play on my guitar soon. :)

Music can make everything better. :)

2010-06-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

I think the important thing is that we really do the best we can.
And that we try to do the the right thing, most of the time.

Perhaps, one day soon you will understand that.
In the mean time I will try and be happy with I have. :)

Well-constructed Lies

2010-06-15T05:42:00.000-07:00

Today I was thinking about the reasons why people lie.

People lie because they want to get their way, because they want to do things that they aren't permitted to, they lie because they want to escape embarrassment.

But the truth behind why people lie, is because they are desperate.
Desperate to get something or to get out of something.

It's interesting how people will go to all kinds of lengths to block out the side effects of lying.
It's interesting how we ignore the anxiety that's not allowing us to fully enjoy ourselves, the phone calls that with every ring pierce the fantasy of a lie a little further.

We ignore the rational side of our minds that say, your lies will only breed more lies and go with the the part of our minds that lives for that particualr moment, no matter how fleeting it may be.

But lying is exhausting, and liars are only storytellers without a true purpose.

I'm running out of stories to tell.
And it's only because I care so very much, that I don't want to spin tales anymore.
Because I fear that one day, my lies will hurt the very people I tried to 'shield' from the truth.

'The truth shall set you free'

2010-06-15T05:16:00.000-07:00

Today was fun. :)

I realise now, why I've been living the past two weeks of my holidays in a blur. I've identified the sole reason.

And oh gawd. "Purity of mind and idleness are incompatible”

The things we take for granted. :)

2010-06-12T08:57:00.001-07:00

Its been a very, very happy holiday :D

There's only one thing that's really bugging me right now.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop, its been said.
And now I have a terrible addiction.

:O

Sakae buffet and other happy things :D

2010-06-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

SAKAE BUFFET TODAY :D:D

Yay! :D

iMUN is over finally!
The AC campus is wayyyy bigger than I thought it was initially. I realise that the past few times I went there earlier, I only saw one wing of the whole place!

Now, it's back to workkkk. Omg, I hate doing work during the hols. :(:(

I hope it pays off this time.

Because the VIP has taught me that I may not always get the rewards I deserve for my efforts, no matter how hard I try.

The VIP has also taught me that it is better to cheat and lie my way through things because if I put in an honest effort I'll be left behind.

It's sad isn't it? And now I'm wondering if I've learnt anything good at all from the VIP.

Ah well, I'll just have to grit my teeth and go through it I guess. Trying my best not to think about it.

Aside from that, I'm actually really very happy :D
I'm looking foward to Londonnnnnn in 2 weeks and many, many outings with friends. :)

'Courage is not the absence of fear,but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.'

-Ambrose Redmoon

This part.

2010-06-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

This is the part I don't like to share. Not even with you.

Because this is the part where I push everything I'm thinking, squash it right back there in a corner of my mind.

Because this is the part, where put on our game faces and we just keep acting like everything's just pretty anf fine.

Because this is the part where we do our best to ignore the problems we have and bury ourselves in activity, in the hope that one day we'll wake up and it'll 'become better' just because we've 'worked hard'.

This is the part where when we realise we have it all, that we realise that it wasn't just a phase, that there really is something wrong.

And this is the part where we lie.
The part where we realise we tell the biggest lies to ourselves.

This is the part that niggles at me in the happiest of moments.
This is the part that I don't think you'd quite understand.
It's the part I'm slightly ashamed of.

That's why, this is the part I don't like to share. Not even with you.

Observations

2010-06-05T07:01:00.001-07:00

DISCLAIMER: This post is for all the people who've made the impressions on me that were recorded here. This post is about you.

There is a reason why we all turn out the way we are. There's a reason why

The girl who knows no happiness beyond the routine her parents have set before her, doesn't know just how much of her youth she's missing out on

There's a reason why the boy who's looking for love seeks out his friends' company in not so subtle ways

And the girl who longs for the comfort of someone's arms around her shoulders turns to the wrong person.

And there's a reason why the the teacher who cares so much is too peevish to deal with Real issues

And why the girl who can't face the truth lies through her teeth without blinking.

And why the boy who can't have what someone else has, tries every way to make him uncomfortable

And why the girl who doesn't get enough care, is so mean to the people around her

There's a reason why the boy who can't let go of his own insecurities clings on to the one thing feeling he's sure off.

There's a reason why the girl who focuses on her work chooses not to see beyond her books

Why the seemingly silly boy chooses not to see beyond the beyond the pretty girl's looks

Why the girl goes the extra mile to help people who need her

Why the boy chooses to sit in the back and keep silent while he has his plans at the back of his mind.

Why the girls choose to giggle among themselves instead of mix around with the rest

Why the girl who has no real common interest with the other girls join them anyway

Why the girl doesnt want to go home at the end of the day

Why the father who isn't quite sure how he can help, tries to make up for it in simple ways

Why the mother who doesnt want her child to make the same mistakes she did, cares too much

Why the boy chooses not to particpate in class discussions, because he sees their redundance

Why the girl relents after a while and starts copying because she sees not other way out

Why the girl can't bring herself to be motivated after while 'cause she she knows there's someone else who'll always be better.

Why the girl can't trust hersefl anymore 'cause she's seen fear too many times

Becaus all these people, all of you have seen disappointment. Bountiful disappointment. Because you don't want to know what it feel like to expect things and more importantly expect people.

That's why we behave the way we do.

And that's just how it goes.

There's no real point of this post really, if you haven't figured out by now.
Because there's no analysis that comes with the observations.

Interestingly, its quite similar to the behaviours of the above mentioned people. There is no point.

No I'm not feeling emo, I was just bored. :)

Too far in to let go.

2010-06-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

ICS Night was quite good actually. :)

London in 18 dayssssss :D

I'm soooo lazy to studyyy!
Nooooooo. :(

Gahhh I must must stick to my schedule! Or I'll just die next Semester!

* Searches for motivation to cling on to*

Ya know what I should just sit down and start. Then I'll feel like doing work.

Anywayyy, bought new luggage fro London and work clothes for MUN today!

the more I sit here and bitch about it, the more time I waste.

Okay off to work :)

Ah yes, I remember my motivation now. I feel like I have a lot to prove to quite a number of people, most importantly myself.

they will run and not be weary. :)

2010-06-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

What is so wrong, what is so wrong with that.

I'm being stopped because of my immaturity.

But take a step back and take a look at yourselves.
You should be ashamed by your narrow-minded perceptions.

Because, I can't believe I'm saying this but you are so, so immature.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell; I know right now you can't tell.

2010-06-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

Today is a Panadol and Porridge Day.

Yeah, I'm sick. :/
Must be 'cause of all the dust from when I was clearing my room.

My work schedule has been delayed 2 days 'cause of my cold.
But maybe, this is a lesson in itself. A lesson on working around glitches.

Panadol is a depressant.
I've noticed that it has a paricularly stronggggggggg effect on my mood.
whinewhinewhine

Okay I'm gonna sleep now.

Ohoh I just remembered. I saw this video 2 days ago about this 15 year old girl who WANTS to get pregnant and have a child with her 18 year old boyfriend to whom she is engaged to.

Gawd. Its amusing really. I mean there are thousands of teens every day who are trying so hard NOT to get pregnant and there she goes doubling up on her dosage of FERTILITY DRUGS.

Yes, FERTILITY DRUGS. Like some 40-year-old woman.

But I guess her background of a mother who was a teen mom and a father who's in the lock-up could play a part.

I felt bad for her ya know, in a way. I mean she had no one to guide her.

But then again, she was planning to support her child on her boyfriend's pizza-delivery-boy minimum wage salary.

Oh come on.

Makes me feel lucky to be educated enough to realise what a huge mistake that would be.

Much Ado About Nothing.

2010-05-31T00:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a free woman today :D
Free from HBL at least.

I always talk about how I depend on other people for support, but lately I've come to see just how much other people need me too.

And I'm just fascinated by the way this works, the way we're all ( whether we like to admit or not) dependant on one another in this large web of human communication and relationships.

I mean think about it, there are 6 billion people in the world. What are the chances of us meeting the people that we meet, having the friends that we do?

It's interesting the way that small group of people whose paths cross ours, do just that.

It's perculiar how we find company, friendship, comfort, solace in these particular people out of the so many out there.

And at times, its stranger how they do so in us.

It's brave really, to trust people so much. That's why I see so many around me who are afraid to get hurt. I can't say I blame them though.

I think they're called symbiotic relationships.

Today I'm also thinking about my juniors.
I'm thinking about a select few of them, how they've overcome obstacles that I would have been too overwhelmed by.
I admire their determination, self-belief.
I think I have a lot to learn from them. :)

I had the besttttt week this week:)
Went out almost every day and still managed to complete HBL quickly! :D
It was just happy, happy happy. :)

I've learnt that the best feeling in the world, when you are anxious and afraid is to know that you are not alone.
Thank you so very much for letting me know I'm not alone. :)

Amazing Grace :)

'Those who fear life are already three parts dead. '

2010-05-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ah.
What I would give, for just one day where I didn't let my fear consume me, in everything that I do.

I wish this huge wall would just disappear, because I see now just how much its draining energy from me. Energy that could be used in ways that would be so much more fulfilling.

But people help those who help themselves, and maybe its time I started helping myself. :)

'You must always keep positive even when the morale of those around you is low.'
I'll try:)
I had a lot of fun at 313 with my mom on Friday. I realise that such outings have become rarer and rarer ever since I came to VJ. Damn, I miss the comfort of casual coversations with her whilst window-shopping. :/

Hist options left! then I'm done with HBL :D:D

Nithya's birthday party was great yesterday :D

"I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it."-- Audrey Hepburn

Thank God for all the wonderful people in my life :)

Saturrdayyyy Morning.

2010-05-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

Chem quiz, and Hist. options left for HBL!

The way the teachers ignore the redundance of home-based quizzes/tests is amusing.

Nithya's birthday party today! I get to meet all those girls again. :D

I shall now begin the horrendously tedious task of sorting notes and worksheets.

Ohoh I really like the World Cup theme song! Waka waka eh eh! ;)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

We'll be okay :D